Parenting Your Teenager: The Teenager and the Gorilla
April 29, 2007
Q: A parent writes in to ask, “You write a lot about the difference between controlling and managing teenagers. What’s the difference………, and how do we do it in our family?”
A: In the counseling and seminars that I do, I have found that many parents are confused about the difference between controlling and managing their teenagers. In my experience, there is not only a huge difference, it’s “the difference that makes a difference” when it comes to successfully dealing with the teen years in a family.
The control approach
Taking a control approach in a family will typically breed resentment and rebellion in a teenager, and exasperation and angerthe part of the parents. While the control approach may get compliance, it also breeds an attitude of “I’ll do what you say now, but I’m going to get you back someday.”
The managmement approach
Coming from a management approach breeds respect and cooperation, as well as an attitude of “let’s work together as a team.” As I have said before, trying to control a teenager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla - it’s only going to frustrate you and make the gorilla mad.
Now in no way am I saying that teens should be allowed to do whatever they want. The difference between trying to control vs. manage a teenager is all in how you approach the situation.
A management approach meets the following six criteria:
1) The parents are clearly in charge
When I work with parents to take a management approach with teens, in no way am I suggesting that parents let kids do whatever they want. Quite the contrary, a key sign of a healthy and strong family is when the parents are clearly in charge. The key distinction comes down to the difference between an authoritarian style and an authoritative style on the part of the parents. An authoritarian style comes from a controlling approach, while an authoritative style comes from a management approach.
A good example of an authoritarian style can be found in the movie The Great Santini. This family was ruled by the iron hand of the father, a military man, who tried to run his family like he ran his troops, complete with morning inspections.
The best example I’ve been able to find of an authoritative style is The Huxtables of The Cosby Show. If you think back to the show or watch the re-runs, you will notice that in the Huxtable family, the parents are clearly in charge. At the same time, there is compassion and caring for all the family members. One strong indication of this is that while each child may not always get a vote, they almost always have a voice.
2) The teen, over time, learns and earns the ability to be more and more in charge of themselves
Notice I said over time. This simply means that the parents give the kid enough rope, not to hang themselves, to coin a phrase, but to grow themselves. You don’t hand someone who has had little or no responsibility a huge responsibility all at once. You give them a little bit, and then a little bit more, and so on and so on.
3) There is a clear map for continually building trust and responsibility
In a management approach, there is no guessing on the part of parent or kid. Everyone knows how trust and responsibility are earned in the family. The rules are clear with little or no surprises.
4) The parents have a way to monitor the progress of the teen
One way to do this is to simply measure trust on a scale from 1 to 10. In this way, the parents have a clear and objective way of monitoring the progress of their teenager.
5) There are clear consequences when the teen demonstrates that they cannot be in charge of themselves (just like in the real world)
There is a proverb that goes something like this “raise up a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it.” What this implies is that at some point along the way, they are going to depart from it. It’s simply part of the territory that kids are going to mess up. Before this happens, there needs to be a simple understanding about what will happen when the mess ups occur.
6) There is a clear map for how to earn back trust and responsibility
Many parents tend to look at trust as an either or situation - either you trust them completely or not at all. Using a scale from one to ten not only gives parents a way to monitor progress, it can provide a map for how to earn trust back when it is damaged.
Successfully steering a family through the teen years is one of the most difficult jobs a parent will ever face. Using the six point management approach can help parents to get their kids, and themselves, through the adolescent years with most of their sanity intact.
Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring.
How to Break the Cycle of Postponing Your Dreams
April 29, 2007
Do you have a dream, but keep postponing it because you feel trapped by the responsibilities of life? Want to be a writer, work from home, own your own business? First, we will examine how your dream got deferred. Then, we will outline definitive steps to get you back on track.
“How did I get to this point in my life?” Many of us look back and realize if we had it to do again, we would do some things differently. As the owner of a staffing agency for the last seven years, I have developed a theory.
In my opinion, many people “fall” into a job. Most accept the first decent paying position out of school. If it’s not something they’re particularly crazy about, they surmise they’ll take this until they figure out what it is they really want to do.
Usually, the demanding responsibilities of rent, student loans, credit cards, etc. take over, making it hard to focus on what they really want to do. After 3, 5, 7 years in a field, it becomes more difficult to move into a different area because it often means a salary cut. At this point, however, a salary cut is often out of the question because of the above-mentioned responsibilities. It evolves into a vicious cycle.
So, how do you break the cycle? The guidelines outlined below will put you well on your way to achieving your dreams. Some of this advice will fly in the face of what you have been told all your life. It’s up to you to decide if your dream is important enough to accept it.
1. Make your dream one of your top three priorities. The mistake many make is putting their dreams on the back burner, eg, “I’ll focus on [you fill in the blank], when the kids graduate from high school, when I pay off that student loan, once I get that promotion, etc.”
There will always be something that can get in the way, if you let it. If you really want to be a writer, work from home, own your own business, travel more, whatever it is, you have to make it a priority. Otherwise it will always remain just that, a dream.
2. Manage debt. Massive debt limits the ability to make life changes.
Most people are forced into having to make a certain salary because they’ve become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Let’s face it, most of us work to live. Our lives dictate to us, not the other way around.
Look at all the pressing demands in your life. Outside of keeping a roof over your head, putting food on the table, saving for retirement and health insurance, how many obligations can you cut back on?
I personally do not believe that parents owe children an education. It’s nice if you can help out, but you don’t have to outright pay for it. Cut back on the college fund, outright buy a car instead of making payments, eat out less, and really, how many white shirts does one need - cut the shopping.
I live in New York City, one of the most expensive cities in the world. Yet, in the last seven years, I’ve managed to build two businesses, work from home and basically plan my days to suit my needs, instead of having them planned for me.
New Yorkers have a running joke that you spend $20 just walking out the front door - and it’s practically true.
There are street vendors who sell the most beautiful baubles: jewelry, African art, sunglasses, shirts, books, CDs (the illegal ones of excellent quality for $5!); restaurants and coffee bars litter almost every corner; oh-so-convenient bodegas; and we won’t talk about the large Salvation Army in my neighborhood that should be renamed in my honor.
In spite of all this temptation right out my door, I rarely spend $5 during the week - really! How do I manage? Two things help: 1) I grocery shop once a week and once a week only; and 2) I use my ATM card once a week to take out cash for the weekend on Fridays (margaritas with my friends is almost a ritual!). No exceptions.
I guarantee you, if you start making your dream one of your main priorities, you’d be amazed at how what you can do to achieve it.
3. Invest and save: Start a dream fund. Securing your dream is not about how much you make, but how much you save.
If you want to work from home, start planning and saving for it now. Most wait until they are so fed up with a current situation that they find themselves doing something drastic out of sheer frustration.
You will have a much better chance at success if you slowly and methodically start to plan months or years in advance. This will give you a chance to start freelancing and pick up clients while you are working full-time; pay down debts, save more aggressively, buy needed equipment, etc.
Starting early has another benefit as well. You will become calmer inside because you are doing something toward your dream. This will make your current situation more tolerable. In almost any given situation, taking positive action almost always makes you feel better.
So, although you may not be able to live your dream right away, taking these steps will allow you to start realizing it today!
About The Author
May be reprinted with inclusion of the following: Yuwanda Black is an entrepreneur, author, speaker and syndicated small business columnist whose focus is controlling your destiny through small business ownership. Her most recent e-books, How to Really Make a Living as an Editorial Freelancer and Advice from Successful Freelancers: How They Built Their Careers & How You Can Too! are available for immediate download at http://www.InkwellEditorial.com/bizguides.html Visit her on the web at http://www.EntrepreDoer.biz for a complete list of how-to, small business books and articles.
Preparing to Build Wooden Fences in the Landscape
April 29, 2007
Preparing to Build Wooden Fences in the Landscape
by: Janeth Duque
While chain link fences are use in some landscapes, most people prefer to make use of wooden fences when building an attractive landscape. This is because wood is a rather versatile material that can be made to look a variety of ways. Installing your own wood fence requires time and energy, but it is often worth it as you can have privacy without detracting from the look of your landscape. Even if you do not build a very tall fence, a wood fence around your yard can prevent unwanted animals (like dogs) from getting into your yard. But before you begin, there are a few things to know about preparing to build wooden fences.
It is important to know the basic elements of the wooden fence before you get started. These are the elements that almost every fence consists of, and are almost universally necessary to build an attractive and effective fence. You will need posts. These are vertical elements that are placed in the ground. They rise above the ground, of course, and properly set posts are essential for keeping all of the other components in place. Some posts extend above the top of the fence for decorative purposes and others are only as high as the fence itself. Another important element of support is the rail. Rails act as spanners, connect the posts. They run parallel to the ground and serve as the horizontal support elements. Almost every fence style makes use of top and bottom rails, and some also utilize middle rails. Finally, panels are required for the successful fence. Sometimes the panels are referred to as boards. There are open fence styles that make no use of panels, but panels of latticework or even just straight boards are the main elements that provide privacy.
Next, you should prepare to install your wood fence. If you would like your installation to go smoothly, you should plan and prepare so that everything is in order before you begin. It is virtually impossible to complete a landscape project without any hiccups, but with a little advance planning you should be able to take care of things in a relatively smooth manner. The first thing you need to do is check with your local zoning or building board to find out the height or design restrictions. Additionally, chances are that you will need a building permit before you begin. You also want to make sure that the fence you build will be within the borders of your own property. If you need to have a survey beforehand to satisfy the neighbors, do so, as this can save you legal fees down the road if the neighbor decides to sue. Another thing of paramount importance is to find out from the local utility companies where the underground gas, electric, and power lines are located. Additionally, check with the phone and cable companies regarding possible underground lines they may have. It can be dangerous to damage such lines, and if you do so, you are responsible for the costs associated with repairing the damage.
Be sure that you have a plan for your fence, based upon the preparation discussed above. Know where you are going to place your posts beforehand, and have an idea of how high you want your fences. You should also have an idea of how deep your postholes will be. If you have properly planned your fence, then you will be able to complete it that much faster. Also, make sure you have all of the necessary tools on hand. These tools include a posthole auger, a shovel and a wheelbarrow (to mix concrete), a hammer and a punch, a power saw, a level, mason’s line, and a carpenter’s square. Many of these tools need not be purchased
janeth@geeksonsteroids.com
Fetal Development Month by Month
April 29, 2007
Month 1: Your first month of pregnancy your baby will accomplish many things, first and foremost, conception, fertilization, and implantation. After a woman ovulates, the egg is normally fertilized within 24-48 hours. The single fertilized cell begins to rapidly divide and at this point in time is called a zygote. Many amazing things happen at fertilization. Your baby’s entire physical attributes are determined including gender, hair color, and eye color. Between days 7-10 from fertilization implantation usually occurs. Implantation should occur within the uterus if it does not this is considered an ectopic pregnancy. The amniotic sac, umbilical cord and yolk sac are already beginning to form. By the end of this month your baby is approximately 2mm long and beginning early stages of development.
Month 2: Your baby is now considered a fetus. Her heart, neural tube, arms and legs, liver and other major organs begin to form. By your 6th week, her heart will be beating and visible via ultrasound. The placenta also begins to form as well as the eyes, ears, mouth, and bones. In this month, your baby’s fingers and toes will become present, however, they may still be webbed. Her brain and cranial nerves will also begin to form this month. Baby’s sex organs begin to become visible. Your baby is approximately 1/2 inch - 3/4 inch long and weighs about 1-2 grams by the end of this month.
Month 3: If given an ultrasound now, you would be able to see your baby’s arms and legs moving. Baby’s heartbeat can be detected by doppler beginning in your third month. Development of the heart and all major organs is complete by the end of the third month. Baby’s sex organs continue to develop, but it is still too difficult to differentiate gender. Baby’s muscles in trunk, limbs, and head are developing. Baby’s face is well formed and your baby looks like a baby. By the end of your third month, your baby is 3-4 inches long and weighs about 1 ounce.
Month 4: During your fourth month your baby’s hair and teeth begin to form. Your baby will be moving and active now and you may begin to feel baby’s movement this month, however, not feeling movements till next month is perfectly normal as well. Your baby’s digestive system is forming and the intestines are present. Meconium, your baby’s first stool, is present in the intestines as well. By the end of this month it may be possible to determine baby’s gender. Your baby is approximately 5-6 inches long and weigh 5-8 ounces by the end of the month.
Month 5: Your baby is developing a fine hair, called lanugo, which covers the body. Likewise, her eyelashes and eyebrows are developing. Her fingerprints and footprints are now developed. She begins to suck and swallow and may even be found sucking her thumb. Vernix, a white lanolin-like covering, appears on baby to protect her skin. Her ears are developed as well and she may be able to hear you now. Your baby is approximately 7-8 inches long and weighs 3/4-1 pound by the end of this month.
Month 6: Your baby’s immune system is developing and she is beginning to create her own antibodies. She has developed a hand grip reflex and startle reflex. Her lungs are beginning to develop and alveoli are forming. She is growing and filling out. She looks more and more like the person she will be when she is born. By the end of this month, she is approximately 9-10 inches long and weigh in at about 1 1/2-2 1/4 pounds.
Month 7: Your baby’s eyes are open and she is able to cry. She may be very active now and others may be able to see her movements. She may have hiccups which will feel like a jumpy movement. She is increasing in body fat and her bones are fully developed now. By the end of this month, she is approximately 11 inches long and weighs around 3-3 1/2 pounds.
Month 8: At this point of your pregnancy, there is not a whole lot of new development. However, your baby is growing and maturing and preparing for life outside the womb. Your baby sleeps most of the time now and has periods of REM sleep. Baby is becoming increasingly cramped for space, but she is still very active. Your baby is approximately 13 inches long and weighs around 5-6 pounds at the end of this month.
Month 9: In your 9th month, which actually extends a little further than 9 calendar months, your baby is preparing for birth. She will spend a lot of time resting, but she should still have plenty of active periods. She should be facing head down in preparation for birth. Babies weight and length vary considerably at birth, but a typical range would be between 7-8 pounds and 19-21 inches in length.
Teresa Redmond is a wife and mother to 5 children. She is also co-owner of Justmommies.com. She has taken many health related classes including obstetric & gynecological nursing, pharmacology, and medical terminology. She has written numerous parenting and health articles. If you would like to know more about what is happening during pregnancy please see our pregnancy calendar at http://www.justmommies.com/pregnancy_calendar.php
Fragrance and Fun Fight Dry Skin
April 29, 2007
If you are a baby boomer, you might be experiencing dry skin seasonally or everyday. It can be a constant challenge to keep the skin moist and supple; especially when menopause approaches or you live in the cold north or dry desert. I am a blue eyed blond that has fought dry skin my whole life. You can imagine how I feel now that I am going through menopause and living in Wisconsin. Two out of three circumstances is cause for serious action when it comes to skin care.
I have tried many products on the market with limited success. It’s hard to know what to buy out there and with all of the advertising available, it’s hard to know what to believe. Lucky for me, I am also a certified Aromatherapist so I know the benefits essential oils can have on dry skin. Essential oils are natural extracts of plants and flowers. They are the pure essence in concentrated form of what scent the flower or plant really has. Some of the best oils for the skin are: mandarin, bergamot, lavender, geranium, palmarosa, ylang ylang, sandalwood, myrrh, rose and jasmine. I don’t usually use them "neat" or straight from the bottle as they are quite concentrated. I like to take a carrier oil such as almond oil and blend it with several oils for my own signature fragrance. I can also do this with unscented body lotion. You’d be surprised the fantastic fragrance that can come from a couple of drops of this and a few drops of that. If you don’t want to follow the crowd use the same fragrance that the whole world has; make your own scent and wear it proudly.
See what people say to you. They will know they haven’t smelled anything quite like it because natural essential oils aren’t the norm. These scents are used very minutely in the cosmetic industry because they are expensive. It is much less costly for the companies to put out synthetic fragrances and call it good. Read labels carefully because some will claim to have a "natural fragrance of citrus" or whatever and the natural is supposed to suck you in to thinking you are putting natural products on your body so it must be good for your skin. If there is no essential oil in the product they can’t call it natural. If you use natural essential oils you are less apt to be allergic to them. Many people are allergic to the synthetic fragrances in the over the counter skin care products. Buyer beware when it comes to the cosmetic industry.
Itchy dry skin can also be from not enough exfoliation. When you don’t use a product for exfoliating, the dead skin cells will remain on your body and just flake away. I use essential oils again with ground oatmeal. Mix in a few drops of some of the oils mentions above and scrub on the body for a soothing exfoliant. Oatmeal is great for the skin as you know if you have ever taken an oatmeal bath after a sunburn. Soothing and calming is called for especially on burned skin. Lavender is a great oil for assistance with healing burns so try putting some lavender in your bath or scrub as well. When you skin is properly exfoliated, the new younger feeling smooth skin is exposed and you look great.
Don’t forget about your feet. In the summer your feet are exposed all the time and in the winter they are covered up with socks and shoes. Put on a foot cream of a little heavier cream or lotion with some of the same oils listed above and put some socks on as you got to bed. You can even wrap your feet, elbows, knees or more (never the face) with plastic wrap and unwrap yourself in the morning. Your skin will feel baby soft.
After you come out of a bath, quickly apply the moisturizer you made before your skin starts to dry. You are locking in the moisture from the bath into the skin for an extra boost. Try taking cooler baths instead of one that is hot and steaming. Don’t scratch your dry skin, just keep moisturizing. Add a humidifier to your home if you really experience dry air.
You don’t have to suffer when it comes to dry skin. Use essential oils and have some fun concocting your own signature scent skin care products. You’ll save money and smell great at the same time.
Beverly Marshall is a successful freelance writer, certified Aromatherapist and Feng Shui consultant. Her many articles offer guidance, suggestions and common sense ideas to change your life. If you are interested in products and information regarding alternative medicine, vitamins, osteoporosis, menopause, essential oils, insomnia, anti aging, dry skin and more; her many articles can be found at http://www.alternative-medicine-4u.com
Parenting Your Teenager: 6 Things to Stop Doing Right Away
April 29, 2007
1. STOP focusing on what you are going to make your teen-ager do
It doesn’t work. When our kids are infants, we are in total charge. Between ages 3 to 13, kids still really like us, and often will go along with what we want.
However, from 13 on they realize they are as big as we are, and they can really do a lot of what they want. So, stop focusing on what you are going to make them do and start focusing on what you are going to do. How you are going to respond to what they do; what you will give and what you will withhold; how you are going to model good choices for them. Focus on what you are going to do, because it’s the only thing you can really control.
2. STOP lecturing
You didn’t listen when your parents did it, so what makes you think your kids are going to listen to you?
The same information can be conveyed over time in short bursts. Keep it short and sweet. One of the best places to do the short and sweet stuff is while riding in the car. You have a captive audience, and you are both looking ahead and not staring at each other.
3. STOP using adultisms
We commit an adultism when we forget what it’s like to be a teen — to think and reason and experience the world as a teen — and expect a teen-ager, who has never been an adult, to think, act, reason and experience the world like an adult.
4. STOP grounding or restricting them for long periods of time
By long I mean, except for the most enormous of infractions, any longer than two weeks. For adults, two weeks is like a snap of the fingers — gone. For most teens, two weeks seems like forever, which causes diminishing positive results the longer the grounding. Consequences need to be strong enough to get their attention, swift enough after the infraction to have an effect, and short-term so they can have another chance to do better soon.
5. STOP trying to reason with them about the rules
Here is one event I can guarantee will never happen in your household: You explain a rule or why you said no to your teen-ager, and they respond with, “Well, thank you, Mom and Dad, I never thought of it that way, and now that you have explained it that way to me, I no longer want to go to the movies with David, I feel bad for asking, and I think I’ll just go to bed early and think about the wisdom you just shared with me.”
There are still times when “because I said so” is the best thing you can say.
6. STOP making every issue a battle for control
If every issue is a battle for control, your teen will make every issue a battle for independence. Remember, trying to control a teen-ager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla -it’s just going to frustrate you and make the gorilla very mad.
Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring.
